Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the book "Charlottes Web" would've been a better book if Charlotte was evil and out to get Wilber. Instead of writing "some pig" she should've wrote "Links or Patties". And yelled "Ill get you pig!" As she crawled away

   You never really notice how many dogs bark on TV until you have a dog that barks back.

   So they will not be changing the name to the LA cotton clippers? Shooo! That was close. That could have turned alot of shirts inside out.

   I think I'm going to change my kids' middle names to "DANGER" just so they can tell people Danger is their middle name...YEAH BABY!!

   Whenever I think I've come up with something very twisted, and I'm a horrible person for it, I simply remember that some nut in South America named the largest body of water there Lake Titicaca.

   Are the hookers giving you the policeman's discount?

   -= REDs got to host an Olympic game, then all of a sudden they're the USSR again.... Let's pray Germany doesn't host the next one. =-

   Some girls should drink alone so they don’t get pregnant, again.

   Until you actually do go after all religions equally, spare me the hipper than thou crap.

   The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side.

   Women's biggest mistake: thinking men can read their minds Men's biggest mistake: not trying to read women's minds

   I like to be treated like a king... so I thought of going to Burger King & lying about it being my birthday

   When cleaning my house: 1% Cleaning 30% Complaining 69% Playing with stuffs that I just found.

   Anyone know how much bullsh#t an adult Depends will hold? Going to a political debate later and want to be prepared.......

   Community cancelled. Well it shouldn't take five plus years to get a two year degree anyways. Smart move NBC!

   Wishing all Mother’s, secretaries, nurses, teachers and any other gender/profession dominated by women a special day and/or week!

   *removes underwear *pees *gets back on scale

   There's this guy at work who's always putting on a sweatshirt. No one's ever seen his face.

   This morning I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering. 98 of them said, "How did you get in here?!"

   If the duvet is still on the bed your clearly not doing it right