Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This post is dedicated to whatever you’re ignoring in real life to read it.

   I grilled today for the first time this year. The first charcoals in the grill were formerly the eyes and also the carrot nose of our stolen snowman.

   Sorry I didn't hear a word you said. I was pretending your nose was the MUTE button

   Cmon kid, do or say something funny already. Daddy needs a new Facebook Status Update.

   Over thinking. Ruining great ideas since women began.

   Death and taxes .... trying to figure out which one is worse.

   I live for this sh*t - People that don't understand biology

   If cats could deliver pizza, I would be pretty much done with all human interaction.

   Corporate says we are having a half day at work today for 'April Day'. It's 2014, we can't even say Good Friday anymore? Society.

   People who don't return the favour during oral sex are the real terrorists.

   It's amazing how the brain works. I heard a song that I haven't heard in about ten years and I remembered it word for word. Yet when it came to my exams I barely even remembered how to hold my pen.

   I taught myself how to ride a bike... I hope you had better parents.

   Your "I Love My Wife" bumper sticker simply means you'd lose a fistfight against a loaf of bread.

   “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me talking to my phone battery.

   Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!

   I'm at work for another hour and my phone's at 14%. If I don't make it to the end of the day, tell all my friends, "Not much u"

   I wonder if anyone at the snack food companies who label their products, "Cheddar Cheese" flavored, have actually ever tasted cheddar cheese.

   What did Michael Jackson have in common with the Chicago Cubs? He wore a single glove on his left hand, but it served no real purpose.

   Yankees pitcher Michael Pineda was ejected last night for having pine tar on his neck, and rubbing it on his hand to get a better grip on the ball — because league rules clearly state that all illegal substances must be put INSIDE your body.

   A blind man walked into a bar. And into a chair...and into a table...and into a wall...