Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was at this girls house last night, when I accidentally knocked her tooth brush into the toilet. I reached in and grabbed it quick and put it back. Luckily. I'll never see her again.

   tried to balance the light switch, I should probably go to bed...

   Facebook starting drama since 2004.

   You know the economy is bad when you call the bill collectors to make a payment and their answering machine says there is an 8 hour hold time and to try your call again later.

   I may hate myself in the morning but I'm gonna love you tonight.

   wonders what would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

   A smile is like tight underwear ... it makes your cheeks go up.

   Recent studies show that watching Jersey Shore kills twice as much brain cells than smoking a joint of marijuana.... ..I totally agree with that, I've talked to many friends who watch the show and mimic it..

   Listen to your heart but double check and confirm with your mind.

   not lookin forward to tonght...the voices in my head party way to hard on fridays!;p

   Just saw a guy driving a beat up car with a bumper sticker that said "My other car is a Porsche ." Why isn't he driving that other car then?

   Things I love like a fat kid loves cake - 1. titties 2. cake.

   Since I don't know how to draw I decided to be an artist

   You may think there is a lot wrong with you, but there is also a lot right with you

   The bigger the EXPECTATION, the bigger the HEARTBREAK!

   thinking about creating a whole new crime. I'm gonna start a counterfeit prostitution ring. I see a lot of money and no jail time coming my way.

   They call her “SWITCH” because anyone can turn her on.

   so east coast wasnt suppose to get a slip in the fault for another few hundred years.. the world is coming to an end now. earthquakes=funtimes

   Why can't Chinese couples have caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a White!

   Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.