Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know those neighbors who spy on you and then blab to everyone else? My neighbors have one of those.

   Women always worry about the things that men forget, men always worry about the things women remember.

   Don't make decisions when ur angry... and don't make promises when ur happy...

   thinks if I ever get put in jail and sentenced to death - my last meal is going to be a McRib and a Shamrock Shake - that should buy me some time cause they are never available at the same time.

   If at first you DO succeed, someone's probably going to think you cheated.

   I'm surprised there isn't a "ABC's Rockin' Chilean Miners Rescue Special" hosted by Ryan Seacrest.

   saving the planet by tailgating his Silverado behind a Prius.

   Let me ruin your favorite song by playing 15 times a day, 7 days a week!” – The Radio.

   ‎"Dijon found himself spread upon a bed of lettuce, atop a thin slice of turkey breast....enveloped by steamy buns....garnished with a sweet, crisp pickle...." ~~ Excerpt from my new book "50 SHADES OF GREY POUPON"....

   thinks it'll just be my luck to win the Lottery tonight ...... and the world WILL end tomorrow!

   Boring Apocalypse thus far. Seems like Ryan Seacrest should be hosting a "2012 A-Rock-Alypse Eve" show from Times Square or something.....

   Anyone know when the next end of the world is?

   A pregnant Khadarshian is the last thing the world need right now, let alone pregnant by Kanye West. Reminds me of that reproducing mother Alien in he Aliens movie.

   My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

   The best feeling in the world is when someone you hate tells a joke and nobody laughs.

   Aside from being hit and struck by a Smooth Criminal, how are you emotionally, Annie?

   BREAKING NEWS: Harvard study reveals that's not what she said.

   Be happy. Not because everything is good, but because you can see the good side of everything.

   A good magician never reveals what he does for a living.

   every machine is a smoke machine if you use it wrong enough