Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If only those tight shirts with the bedazzled wings on the back that some guys wear would allow them to fly far, far away, the world just might be a better place.

   climbing Mt. Washmore.

   Brett Favre retired today from the Minnesota Vikings of the National Football League... In other news, the Sun rose in the east this morning...

   reminds you that anything unrelated to elephants is *ahem*...irrelephant.

   Life is hard. After all, it kills you.

   Cheers to a new year and another chance for us to get it right.

   scared of fortune cookies, mine said: this message will self destruct in five seconds.

   It's not an old movie if you haven't seen it.

   encrypting a secret message within this status. Examine these words carefully. The first one to decrypt the message wins...

   There's a fleck on the speck on the tail On the frog on the bump on the branch On the log in the hole in the bottom of the sea.

   Channel 5 just showed a graph of the "Top 5 Wettest Months", but surprisingly, the month 'New Moon' came out was not on the list.

   f you reach into your pants pocket to get something & it takes more than 5 seconds to get it, you've succeeded at looking like a perverted jackass.

   out back building a big helium balloon... Wanna go for a ride?

   a pessimist is an experienced optimist.

   At the bottom of that bottle of chardonnay were words I always had the good sense to say

   I swear my alarm clock asked me to karate chop it this morning...

   women see men like bank accounts. Without money they don't generate much interest.

   Being a TV writer for CSI: Miami would be the best. You would never get rejected. "Your script is over-the-top and and makes no sense. We love it!"

   going downstairs to see what that noise was... powers out but BRB.

   forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of her sandwich.