Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are so afraid right now… you could rob a bank with a booger.

   With all this quarantining the earth is cleaning up! Let's keep it that way. Remember, the earth isn't Uranus!

   I heard the government is putting chips inside people... I hope I get Doritos.

   I did my IQ test online today and got scammed out of $50,000.

   I always learn from the mistakes of others who took my advice.

   My celery loving friend keeps dropping over all the time unannounced. Do you think she’s stalking me?

   Stuff your mask with M&Ms so you can eat them all day long like a horse

   Contrary to popular belief, changing the toilet paper roll does not cause brain damage....

   Bad News: Britain votes to leave Europe. Worst News: Mississippi says they're staying in America.

   Turns out most people find History Boring ..... Which also turns out that is why they keep repeating the same mistakes over and over. (Forgive me folks ... that's an intellectual joke)

   You have 20 pics of only your face, you must be so fat

   .... Bernie endorsed Hillary! #FeelTheTurn

   I bet Melania regrets asking Brian Williams for help writing her speech.

   Bill Clinton also woke up in a White House built by sl@ves. Okay, Monica didn't actually build it nor was she a sl@ve, well sorta...

   3 years 11 months and 3 weeks before renewing my interest in pole vault

   "But would a trophy wife do this?", she said as she changed my car oil

   I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I've caught.

   Someone described their church as a place to go when they're lost and searching for answers. That's how I feel about the grocery store.

   John Hinckley Jr. has been freed after 35 years. I hope he realizes that Jodie Foster is really not interested now.

   Walmart is selling six hot dogs for a dollar if anyone wants to die.