Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Note to self...apparently management doesn't find the game of hide-and-go-seek as amusing as I do....which sucks cuz I had an awesome hiding spot!!!

   I save a lot of money on therapy because my childhood imaginary friend earned his PhD in psychology.

   It's ironic that you mean "coincidental" when you said "ironic" because, ironically, you dont know the definition of "irony."

   I check your profile once a week to see if you posted a nude. Sue me

   Any woman can find a problem and complain about it, but great women know how to fix them.

   I will not only make you say my name, I will also make you spell it!

   In this hyper PC country we live in, shouldn't murderers be called "Post-life experience Faciliters"

   It's pretty cool that evolution knew we'd eventually need pinky fingers to hold our phones.

   When I was your age I was raising Pokemon, not babies

   This bar is the perfect rest stop during the long walk home from the liquor store.

   Misplaced my smart car. Thought I left it on the counter... And yes, I checked in the couch cushions already!

   I’ll be eating a dozen donuts throughout today to celebrate the National Donut Day, or as I call it, “every other day”

   Guarantee yourself a great day, by leaving me the hell alone.

   sometimes, just in case the government is monitoring me, I call people I don't like and leave messages about bombs

   Why not just call her NORTH POLE because following in the footsteps of her mother KIM she is destined to be a stripper.

   At some point, you're gonna be naked. I wanna be there when it happens. Even if it means staying in this closet for another 12 hours.

   do we really care what kim kardasian named her next tv show?

   I'll be spending most of today putting Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations...

   I wrap the first few presents Martha Stewart style but towards the end they take on a drunk Helen Keller style.

   All these end-of-the-year top 10 things that happened in 2011 lists must be handy for people who were asleep all year or dead.