Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shut off my Facebook birthday reminders. So let me wish everyone who's planning on having a birthday year a happy one! because you're special like that.

   Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to bend them in half until they break, and then shake the s*** out of them until their light turns on.

   Sometimes when my gf is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.

   Big deal Times Square. I drop the ball at least 3 times a week.

   May you all have a prosperous New Year.......... I may need to borrow money.

   *The only differance between brown nosing and butt kissing is depth perception.

   Hey if you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.

   You know you're fat when you only need a cup of water in the tub when taking a bath.

   If you don’t get hired for an unpaid internship it literally makes no difference. Just show up and start working. What are they gonna do, pay you?

   almost 61 years ago 2 people had sex and now I have to go to work everyday

   name a more iconic trio than Phone, Keys and Wallet

   No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

   a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon

   So is Tom Brady related to Marcia, Greg & Cindy ?

   A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?

   You know how well a friend's kitchen remodeling job came out when you can't find the garbage can.

   What did the yoga instructor say when asked if she was ever going to leave? --- Nahmaste

   You'll know you've grown old when your 6 pack abs turn into a keg.

   I'm so old when I was a kid the only search engine we knew was called a librarian.

   It takes patience to listen.. it takes skill to pretend you're listening