Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I didn't drink, how would everyone know how much I love them at 2am?

   Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad?,,,,, Good times........ Good times

   I'm going to start a new trend... Work tailgating. I'll be in the parking lot at 5am every day drinking and grilling. I hope it catches on...

   I spend more time looking in the fridge than I actually do eating.

   If you get cheated on over and over & you decide to stay with that person, You're a fuc&in idiot and deserve everything thats coming to you.

   It is spelled, "you're" an idiot....idiot.

   When I see ads on TV with smiling, happy housewives using a new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they must be on.

   Dear Samsung, please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones

   I traded in my wife's piano for a clarinet. You can't sing while playing a clarinet.

   On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.

   Do I hate people who ask and answer their own stupid questions? Absolutely

   could care less about the color, as long as it is on my floor with the rest of your clothes.

   not having any fun unless he is doing something immoral, illegal, dangerous, or fattening.

   Did you ever find Bugs Bunny attractive when he put on a dress and played girl bunny?..............Neither did I. I was just asking.

   you only live once, but if you live it right, once is enough.

   If I spent as many hours learning how to play guitar as I do on Facebook, I'd be a freakin' Jimi Hendrix

   They say that you are what we eat. This means that I am cheap, easy and ready in 2 minutes!

   flights booked, lawyer called, cars ordered, mansion picked out.....now I just need my lotto numbers to hit!!!

   ‎9 out of 10 doctors will agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.

   Never buy a car you can't push.