Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The whole idea of a drug free workplace is funny, isn't it? I mean the workplace is why I need drugs in the first place.

   Whenever I hear the Christmas song about "nuts roasting on an open fire" I cringed. My wife plays that song over and over when she's mad at me..... even if it's in July

   Well if you didn't want alcohol at your one year sobriety party...shouldn't have invited me!

   Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!

   I'm fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.

   You call it “binge drinking” I call it “making up for lost time when I could have been drinking” drinking.

   No its not a nightmare. You are just married.

   lol no thanks,,, my tires rotate themselves every day

   iOS 8.0.1 is designed to get people to stop calling their friends to brag about owning the new iPhone.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   If it requires pants, its not happening today.

   I hope the irony of people stealing each other's "Melania Trump plagiarism" jokes on Facebook is not overlooked.

   "Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?" I mumble into the tv remote.

   Hillary's power suit was white ... but you can't call it a white power suit.

   A buddy of mine is making a documentary about white trash, not sure if it's any good, I've only seen the trailer

   A woman started choking in the lineup at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.

   "Use the forceps, Luke!" -Obi Gyn Kenobi

   Two girls riding their bikes on a cobble stone road. 1st girl: I never came this way before. 2nd girl: Me neither. It must be the cobble stones.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   These days when I say I’m “hittin it,” I’m talking about my pillow.