Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Some of my best sex moves happen cause I get a cramp in my leg,

   Today has been a very stressful day. So I'm pouring vodka over my salad instead of dressing because I'm trying to be healthy.

   Truth time: I've been cheating on my diet. With a younger, more attractive diet.

   I enjoy long walks away from responsibility.

   No matter how long a 'civilization' has existed, there just is no way to bring class to the classless.

   I'm sorry I dropped your baby when the theme from Friends came on and I had to clap along.

   I do so declare that from this day forward fake potatoes shall be known as "imitaters."...Please adjust your records and recipes accordingly...Thank you

   Sometimes I can be a bit selfish and insensitive, but then I remember that I don't sell reverse mortgages to the elderly,, and then I feel better.

   *Day 138 of having "Take Me To Church" stuck in my head.

   for once I'd like to see "Its been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"

   FACT: Jargon is lingo for slang

   Not a huge leap between apes using long twigs to dig termites out of a nest and our recent discovery of the "selfie stick."

   The inventor of the toilet must've had a rough time at his presentation. "Oh here comes Gary with his poop throne idea"

   Big bulletin from Phoenix: Katy Perry's robotic tiger is loose in downtown Phoenix.

   gonna be cold out tonight.. make sure you bring in your pets and the elderly..

   Maybe terrorists hate America because they think Justin Bieber is one of us? You just don't know.

   Just once I would like a number between 1 and 10 think about me.

   It’s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!

   I have this empty feeling inside of me. Wait, there's my drink.

   Where did all the people walking around with boomboxes in the 80s go? I'm concerned.