Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't care about what people think or say about me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive and appealing.

   You know how people dread going to the dentist? I feel that way about getting out of bed.

   My fiance and her mom say more in one phone conversation to each other than my dad and I have in my entire life.

   Peeing in the bath to rewarm it for her is not as romantic as you may think.

   Madonna is 55, her boyfriend is 22. J-Lo is 46 her man is 26. So if you’re single now, don’t worry, you’re probably a paed0phile.

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   Katy Perry looks like if an emoticon came to life.

   Where the heck is that "Polka" button on Facebook that everyone keeps talking about?! I have my accordion and I'm ready to boogie.

   Sadly this power outage is more exciting than the actual game.

   If you are afraid of loneliness, do not marry.

   Worrying Is like a rocking chair, sure it gives you something to do but in the end, it gets you nowhere.

   "Dont I know you from somewhere?" = The absolute worst thing to say to someone who is robbing you at gunpoint...

   happy P.O.E.T.S. Day, everyone! Piss On Everything Tommrows Saturday.

   wondering if you have multiple personalities and threaten to kill yourself, is it considered a hostage situation?

   Wedding's in 3 weeks, I wish I could invite all of you but the Waffle House only fits 43.

   If your Thanksgiving plans include tofurkey, then you don't actually have Thanksgiving plans.

   If first dates are interviews, then second dates are negotiatons.

   Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart enough to understand the game, and dumb enough to think it's important.

   heavily medicated for your protection.

   Can now be offensive in 3 different languages.