Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear Lord, please give me the strength to forgive those who put LOL in their status updates

   NBA players support China despite violating the human rights of its citizens but protests when a thug gets what he deserves...

   "Let's have a march to show our hate and give speeches about love!" Women

   Trump suggests that someone should shoot Hillary? There he goes trying to make America great again.

   "Hi I'm Kayne West! I survive on your attention. Give me your attention. Hey where you going...I need you attention..."

   Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural when there are two boobs but only one butt?

   If your boyfriend isn't strong enough to pick you up and pin you up against the wall, you have a girlfriend

   do we have any world leaders or are they to busy playing golf ,pool and drinking beer ?

   we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.

   I would rather massage my urethra with a cactus than hear that Pharrell song about being Happy

   Being a reasonable man,, I pointed to the door, suggesting the spider leave immediately and peacefully

   There are two kinds of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.

   When you hear people speak in another language: 6% I wish I could speak that. 94% Those b**ches better not be talking about me...

   OR you could go for the gay approach...."One man's junk is another man's treasure"

   The old lady in line at CVS had a stray thread on her sweater. I pulled it and her entire central nervous system unraveled.

   Laughter is a wonderful sound. It cheers you up, it holds you up, and makes you believe that a simple sound can make unwelcome emotions disappear

   You know you're drunk when you can speak fluent Ozzy Osbourne

   if you cant afford to go on vacation,u can always drink until you dont know where you are

   14-year old Becky writes "Stop wars" as her Facebook status. It gets nine "likes", all from world leaders. Peace reigns forever. She did it.

   BEST EXCUSE: I didn't scream out someone else's name during sex. I was thinking of baby names in case you get pregnant...