Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tiger Woods: never satisfied with a hole in one.

   Why does a blonde have TGIF written on thier shoes? Toes Go In First.

   In Soviet Russia, status updates YOU!

   in the mood to push someone down the stairs hit them over the head with a fire extinguisher then bury the body under the garden patio

   I saw a sign that said "DRINK CANADA DRY" so I moved to Toronto.

   A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.

   Mark Zuckerberg really controls all of our lives, at any moment he could decide to take Facebook offline.

   Doctors performed emergency surgery on Nancy Grace to remove what they thought was a malignant mass. Turned out it was just her head.

   Again, I can't hear you, because… I HAVE A BULLHORN

   i'm convinced marliyn manson and lady gaga are the same person

   Whoever likes mondays; raise your left hand. Good, now use your right hand to slap yourself in the face, stupid.

   I am still disappointed that I was not nominated for a BET award.

   why does LIFE keep teaching me lessons I have no desire to learn?

   A lesson I learned in the hospital... when you push the help call button you might as well pull out a book. But when you masturbate while forgetting you're attached to a heart monitor, it sets off alarms in the nurses station and they show up within secon

   Why do people post that they are cleaning their home on Facebook? Everybody cleans their home so the fact that you are too is not special...What do you want, a cookie?

   When I see professional clowns, mimes, or people who make balloon animals, I think of their relatives and how disappointed they must be.

   last Valentine's Day I was f**king stupid, but this year she's f**king somebody else!

   News flash to all men: contrary to popular belief, driving a cool sports car or a LARGE PICK UP TRUCK does not make your penis any bigger.

   I went to my acupuncturist today. He told me to take two thumbtacks and call him in the morning.

   I don't wanna be loved I just wanna quickie No bite marks, no scratches, and no hickeys !