Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Billion dollar idea: A phone that charges using body fat!

   "Like a glow stick, sometimes we have to break before we shine."

   When fat people spoon, is it called ladling?

   In a desperate attempt to get the Republican nomination and to show he would be Hillary's best foe, Dr. Ben Carson changes his last name to Gazi

   Protestors successfully shut down a Trump rally...then they fire guns and start looting. That will only create more support for Trump you ignorant fool protestors.

   My sex tape looks like Stephen Hawking trying to pull himself out of a bathtub.

   Dear lady in front of me,,, it's a speed bump, not a friggin land mine

   Fellas; no amount of money or fame can ever cover up for the disappointment of a small d*ck.

   If you can't be with the one you love, tolerate the one you're with.

   The Cosby Show. Where are they now? As far away from Billy Cosby as they can get. . .

   Maybe I was born with it. Maybe its Krispy Kreme

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   You're not a stalker; you're bad with goodbye.

   "Daddy, can I have some ice cream?" "No." "Please?" "No." "Why do boys have p enises and girls don't?" "Chocolate or vanilla?"

   "I can't because I'll be watching the NFL Pro-Bowl", said NO ONE EVER!!

   I wish cancer would get cancer and die.

   Cop: did you see that sign? Me: yeah I saw the sign,..and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign, Cop: out of the car

   Whenever my son questions my knowledge on any subject, I just remind him that I'm older than the Internet.

   53% of all Jedi marriages end in da force.

   "Can you tie a knot?" "I cannot." "So you can knot?" "No, I cannot knot." "Not knot?" "Who's there?"