Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There aren't choking warning labels on condoms but they have them on water balloons?

   My workout video is just a 15 minute clip of me dodging my boss around the office.

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking wine while doing it. You'll be amazed at how much less you care.

   "Trust Me When I say Anyone can DANCE!!!!!" - Jack Daniels

   Always be sure to keep a good Facebook profile picture.This will be the photo plastered allover the news when something goes horribly wrong.

   Kept making the same mistakes in life, so I call them traditions now.

   You guys, how can true love still exist if we don't have mixed tapes anymore?

   here's to the guys who see the girl of their dreams go after the wrong type of guys

   I may not be great at math but your lies just don't add up.

   Itunes was wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.

   Seems most people live life to the foolest...

   If you forward these idiotic chain posts and "If I get a thousand likes" posts, I automatically think you're stupid.

   The President's claim that the economy is improving, and the news that "Girls Gone Wild" has filed for bankruptcy seem to fly in the face of compatibility.

   I do a five-minute open mic set several times a week. The order taker at Jack in the Box thinks I'm a riot.

   Leaving the house with my phone at 30% battery, wish me luck everyone. Send me your prayers in these tough times.

   You're Now Aware That You Can't Say.. "IRISH WRISTWATCH"

   The adventures of 'mom isn't home'... Today boys and girls, we learned what it feels like to stick your tongue into the vacuum cleaner hose...my 4 year old will never be the same...

   Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...

   North Korea chose the right time to declare war on South Korea. With them releasing "Gangnam Style", no one is going to feel sorry for them.

   Vampires beware!!!! Blade has been released!!!!