Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK. Who was the genius that decided to call them Killer Whales and not Sea Pandas?

   For some people freedom is like spring animals seeing the light.

   A Dog Calls 911: 911: What's the emergency? Dog: My owner threw a ball but I can’t find it 911: Did you check his hand? Dog: Of course I checked his han—DANGIT!!!!!

   It's called "Independence Day" not "Dependence Day" for a reason

   Having 50 girlfriends isn't swag. Having 1 girlfriend and 49 chasing you is...

   A couple kisses and gropes in public and nobody bats an eye but let a mother breastfeed in public and all hell breaks loose. How did we get to this as a society?

   Ironically, Madonna's offer to Hillary Voters was the same one Amy Schumer made to her producers to get her comedy show in the first place.

   The entire US government defrauds the country on a daily basis, yet there are people who freak out if they're sent a fake profile.

   I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.

   I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.

   Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

   If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

   If you are ever wondering who your real friends are, delete your Facebook account and see who calls.

   [Vaccination center] Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please

   Life Coach: Get out there and show the world what you’re made of! Gingerbread Man: Not sure that’s a good idea.

   [Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’

   The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that's just science.

   New study finds that everyone you disagree with is are stupid.

   The Mannaquin Challenge isn't new. Some of you have been standing around doing nothing your whole lives.....

   Well,,, We are Definitely not getting our security deposit back for this planet.