Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   And so my friends, this week rings in the 2013 holiday season. Everyone can now begin the time tested, seasonal tradition of turning into complete lunatics.

   You could pleasure me just by walking away.

   You know you're country, when the smell of a dairy reminds you of Oreos.

   Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

   Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.

   i got distracted by something and missed my ADHD meeting again.

   you can call me "Han" cause I've been solo for so long now

   Life sucks, But sometimes you get to have sex, And sometimes you get to drink beer.

   My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how freaking stupid some people are.

   The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people only lived to the ripe old age of 30.

   Dear Guys who chew gum like a cow eating grass; Thanks for making it so damn easy to look classy next to you. Sincerely, Me.

   I hope you step on a lego!

   My girlfriend spends every night in town, going into bar to bar. And she always f*cking finds me.

   With my grandkids, I just assume that any word they use that I don't understand is a Pokemon creature.

   I hate it when I remove myself from around people to fart in peace and they follow me right after I have release a big one.

   I would motorboat you, but the water looks a little shallow.

   Making strangers uncomfortable since 1980!

   Soft p0rn didn't die. It just mutated into pop music videos.

   You know that you work too much when you count hours off and not days off.

   never sleeps next to anything that he wouldn't want to wake up next to.