Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why are all the best stress relievers illegal? A little bit of murder would work wonders right now.

   some of you ladies think you're a hot mess but you're really just a mess...

   Whenever you feel stupid, just look at the trending topics on twitter. There are always people dumber than you.

   If spiders start flying I'm leaving this planet.

   The only thing missing from a guy that goes home alone from the bar every night is confidence.

   If she still adores you while you're covered in mud scrabbling to get out of a hole at rock bottom, she's definitely a keeper.

   you can half your cake and eat it in two.

   I go to the gym once a week, but I don't have to go inside. I get all my exercise walking to the ice cream shop next door.

   Just had an idea for a musical - How do you solve a problem like Korea...

   Complain that you are bored and I will ignore you like I am busy.

   Too bad you cant photoshop your stinky breath as well.

   I would've never gotten married if I'd known there would be chores.

   Every person who just drove by me was on the phone but not me I'm on Facebook

   I love my smile! It's best though when it's reflected back on the faces of others!

   I stay drunk because it costs so much to start from sober.

   My boss is into me.Whenever I show up for work in the afternoon,she's always like "Where have you been?You should have been here hours ago!"

   Scientists don't know why bees are disappearing, like if you keep stealing a dude's honey he's gonna be cool with it and stick around.

   It's wierd paying taxes as a stoner knowing that a portion will be used trying to incarcerate yourself.

   Oh you find it offensive? I find it funny... that's why I'm happier than you douchebag.

   I wish people would be honest in their FB posts, like, "Happy birthday to my slightly less than average looking kind of friend, Jenny."