Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard. So, just me? Okay.

   I’m just glad election week is over ...

   GI joe is short for gastrointestinal joseph.

   Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal? Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

   I went to marriage counseling once. I spent $7,000 to have two women call me an arsshole.

   My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

   My wife asked me to put up a canopy with bright lights. I told her now is the winter of our disco tent.

   Amen; The wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her.... Probably should have specified "with me"

   Women say they want security. At least that's what the scream when I come near them.

   Please let's keep it private on Valentine's day this year with the "I'm so in love!" posts, as some of us are single here.

   No one ever injured their eyesight by looking on the bright side of things.

   Happy St Patrick's Day, the day when everybody gets together and pretends they're Irish. Except for the Irish -- they pretend they're sober.

   What if we're not allowed to be happy until Jennifer Aniston is happy?

   Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. But smoking bacon will cure it.

   I've been trying to decide if I care less about the royal wedding or the Laurel-Yanny nonsense.

   Mom #1: That's it. I've had it. I'm selling my kid on eBay. Mom #2: Don't be silly. You made him. Sell him on etsy.

   George Lucas is going to remake a Country & Western version of Star Wars. The theme song will be called "Looking for Love in Alderaan Places."

   I hate when peeps say "Be Pacific"... Okay dumb @$$ and you be Atlantic.

   Having sex while listening to music would have been a lot more awkward in the 1500's.

   I'm afraid if I start working out I'll be too sexy