Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Demi Moore is French for half a Moore.

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.

   So, if a cow doesn't produce milk, does that make it a Milk Dud or an Udder Failure?

   if you have to use a snapchat filter for over half of your Facebook pictures, you know you're ugly

   Where did we go wrong when in 1969 we could send a man all the way to the Moon and be in perfect contact with them, when in 2019 I cant walking to the next room without losing your cell phone signal.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.

   At my funeral, I'm stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.

   Leaving the house, I put on a mask, sunglasses, a hat and headphones. You guys, I think I’ve turned into Mr. Potato Head.

   My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

   Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.” Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.

   If we don't stop socializing to slow the Coronavirus we need to start thinking about what kind of world will leave behind for Keith Richards.

   "How about a scarf?" - Johnny Depp's stylist every day!

   When I was young I could climb mountains. Now, I have to steady myself to fart.

   If you’re approaching a 5th wipe you should just take a shower.

   Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you! Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?

   I didn't order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we're okay...

   I used to wonder why scuba divers fell backwards into the water. Then I realized if they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat

   This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.