Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just because I don't have a girlfriend doesn't mean I'm all alone, I have food and internet!

   I may hate waiting. But I love procastinating.

   Cops don't like it when they tell you to put your hands up in the air then you wave them like you just don't care.

   Sometimes,people aren't always who they seem to be and sometimes people are so much more than you originally thought ...

   BEER RULE 101: A beer in the hand is better than two in the fridge.

   So I'm at the farmer’s market,,, carefully picking out produce to throw away next week.

   On a scale of 1 to 10, how married are you?

   Never mix Vi@gra with Iron supplements. They cause you spin around and point North.

   Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom

   Here's to the moments when we throw caution out of the window, cross our fingers and hoped for the best.

   Weird to think some people will have the word "cantaloupe" in their obituary.

   Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

   My greatest fear is that I will accidentally use the status update as the search bar.

   I will type my name begining with an I in my status in honor of Steve Jobs

   “I can neither confirm or deny…” In my book, that's a yes.

   how do beautiful people travel? Because they certainly don't appear to be using airports.

   My attention has no span.

   Facebook is starting to remind me of my ex-wife... throwing things I said years ago back in my face.

   I noticed the storm track seems to be somewhere between the moon and New York City!

   A friend is someone who borrows your stuff and gives it back. A best friend is someone who has a closet full of your stuff which they don't intend on giving back.