Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Life makes you wise and Bud makes you weiser.

   I refuse to go bungee jumping...I came into this world because of a broken rubber, I'm not leaving because of one.

   If I was to ever own a race horse I would name it "Two Trailer Park Girls" and train it to go 'round the outside just I can hear the caller do an Eminem impression!

   smoke free for 17,770 days now!!

   Saw a girl with 12 nipples today. Sounds crazy, dozen tit?

   back..by popular demand!

   “I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

   thinks that the US Soccer team should dress up as oral hygienists to scare the english into forfeiture

   .... He is risen .....

   hey vegitarians...my food poops on your food!

   somewhere over the rainbow

   Women with pierced tongues are like Microsoft. They can't do it right so they add more hardware.

   Someone wrote "REtARd" on my window this morning. . . took me 3 effin hours to lick it clean :-/

   You can't really blame Noah for not knowing the two unicorns were gay.

   When you think about it, Hitler really wasn't such a bad guy. After all, he did kill Hitler.

   Women complain that they can't find good men. They do find them but then they just put them in the friend zone and never give them a chance.

   while out shopping yesterday my wife asked me to hold her purse...there was no way in hell that I was going to hold her purse!...it didn't even match my shoes

   The guy next door won't stop revving his bike so I'm going to spray paint his Harley pink and attach a white basket to it while he's asleep.

   ‎#<( '-'< ) I was going to give you this waffle, ( >'-' )># but then I was like, ( >'#'< ) I'm hungry ( >'-'< ) so I ate it."

   “No officer, there is no blood in my alcohol system.”