Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone says to me "I know what you're thinking," I'm so happy, because I have no idea.

   I may wear my heart on my sleeve but I'm changing that shirt soon.

   I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.

   so really..what was Meatloaf talking about when he sang he'll do anything for love, but he wont do that?

   dressing up as a ball player for the NY Mets for halloween. I figure I won't need a uniform either since at this time of the year, they are all wearing street clothes now anyway

   thinks Facebook needs another relationship status: commitment phobe

   I know Floyd Mayweather likes to dodge but this is ridiculous!

   's steadfast refusal to consume his meat has proven to be a significant impediment to his acquisition of pudding.

   3 interviews lined up...woot woot, and they say there's no jobs!

   Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

   giving my liver a pat on the back, thanks for holding up this weekend

   I sometimes pee in the shower, and my girlfriend says that's only ok if I'm actually taking a shower.

   Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your bf or gf wants 2 leave u, they should give you 2wks notice. There should b severance pay, and b4 they leave u, they should have to find you a temp!!

   The first few people to join Facebook must have felt like pretty big losers.

   met this girl at the pub and she told me her ‘sex was on fire'. She lied. But ironically, now it burns when I piss.

   OMG!! I'm not going to click on that link to see what that dad posted on his daughter's wall! Its spam people, stop the madness!!!

   as of today I will no longer use "lol" after my comments or posts...I will now use "snicker".

   thinks that swearing was invented as a compromise between running away and fighting.

   there ever a day when mattresses AREN'T on sale?

   I’m just a man standing in front of a woman, who is standing in front of another man who is in front of another woman in line at Taco Bell.