Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.

   I'm OK with the French beach laws,, but the KKK shouldn't be allowed to wear their burkas either... *Ya know,, fairness

   Besides illegal immigrants, Hillary also has a lot of supporters that died along time ago.

   Gary Johnson is now claiming he can see Aleppo from Sarah Palin's porch.

   did anyone ever find out what The Rock was cooking? I always hoped it was bacon

   Props to Jon Bon Jovi for continuing to keep up with the hairstyles of women his age.

   Bar waitress: "ANYONE KNOW CPR?!"... Me: "Hell, I know the entire alphabet!"... Then everyone laughed & laughed. Well, except that one guy.

   If you’re careful, you can eat an entire rack of ribs while taking a shower.

   Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.

   To whom it may concern, If you are reading this, that means there’s nothing you can do about it now.

   not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it

   i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body

   My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to put it in its place. So, I looked at it and said, Don’t forget that you’re only a towel, and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

   My wife gives me the speaking treatment.