Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my facebook wall is not the best way for me to respond to you Quicker,.. You'll have better luck getting a hold of me if you were to shout my name inside your own home... well,.. I guess depending on the situation."

   I have a new philosophy to foster peace and harmony in the universe: GIVE ME WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT IT.

   went to his first gambling anonymous meeting last night.. They gave me 2:1 odds that I won't make it...

   A headache: Not how I expected to start my weekend... I was thinking more of ENDING it with one!

   In new tape, Bin Laden 'furious' that Brian Wilson has scarier beard.....

   Why be the doctor when you can be the patient? Why cook the food when you can eat it? Why drive the car when you can sit shot-gun? all these are reasons why I enjoy watching other people work.

   Those prizes in Cracker Jacks are a joke. I once got a magnifying glass. It was so poorly made, ants were laughing at it.

   “I was at Arby's the other day and I thought, ‘Oh sh*t, I should take someone's order.”

   Too bad there isn't an option to hear the next five seconds after someone hits end on a call. Make no mistake that is when the truth comes out.

   Whoever said "nothing is impossible" has obviously never seen me doing nothing.

   I know this is short notice, but does anyone have a bear costume I can borrow to scare the people camped outside Best Buy for Black Friday?

   I'll never fly Virgin Airlines. Why would anyone want to fly an airline that doesn't go all the way.

   The Falcons won the popular Vote!

   Stalin should have known communism doesn't work. There were red flags everywhere.

   Why would you schedule a vote on a bill that is at 17% approval? Have we forgotten everything Reagan taught us?

   The scariest words a man can ever hear from a woman are "Notice anything different?"

   All the pigeons be like where the eff is everyone??

   My body absorbed so much hand sanitizer that when I pee it cleans the toilet...

   Pokemon GO has done more for child obesity in the last 24 hours than Michelle Obama has in the past 8 years.

   Still doubt Bernie Sanders will ever get elected for president in 2016. But his coleslaw and boneless wings get my vote every time.