Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   my roommate broke up with his girlfriend last night at a fancy restaurant and she started bawling.... everyone thought he proposed to her and started clapping.

   One crazy fantasy I have is having any energy to do things after work.

   Rise up against E.D. The Erectial Disfuction epedemic should not be taken softly...

   The best way to serve eggs for breakfast? Omelette you guys decide..

   I bet other insects hate it when they ask a caterpillar how she became a butterfly, and she's all, "Just diet and exercise, guys!"

   [forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?

   Lawyer : did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend : honey he can’t even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP

   Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We'll take care of that. Me: And...the other thing? Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn't mean they are willing to take your kids.

   Good chance of showers today. -- Bathroom Forecast.

   "Damn girl! I think you're giving me mesothelioma cuz yo ass bestest!"

   Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.

   There is a guy here at work that calls me "Chief." There's another guy here at work that calls me "Pardner." I'm beginning to feel like I'm a double-agent in a clandestine Cowboys and Indians war.

   I dropped and broke an egg this morning. Yet another seven years of bad luck with the chicks...

   Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.

   I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.

   wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]

   I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.

   Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away

   I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.

   I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet. Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!