Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I were ever to win the lottery, first thing I'd do is hire someone to clean my kids room...and then buy some chicken wings with the $20 I have left over.

   Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.

   I cannot believe Monday got the audacity to be tomorrow..

   shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

   We never dreamed that one day we'd sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

   I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this lady if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

   People say, “All the good ones are taken.” Which is absolutely true. I’m single.

   I just emailed "This is a robbery!" to my online bank. Will they just put the $$ in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

   The baby gets really annoyed when I try to undress him. He gets that from his mother.

   My drivers side window quit working. So I guess I'm on a diet.

   SON: I lost a tooth. I'm gonna leave it under my pillow. ME: *paying bills online* I'd wait

   in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

   Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it. I think about this a lot

   horrifying if literal: the electric slide

   It's all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he's driving a hearse.

   An elementary school teacher's most important job is to tell one kid per year they'll never amount to sh*t in order to spark their rap career

   Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal* Her: smells great in there, and I hear you're playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes

   Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.

   You never outgrow sleepovers, they just become coed.

   The thing about Stockholm Syndrome is you can't really remember what it's like to not have kids.