Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   North Korea only has 28 websites. Even worse, the list includes MySpace & 27 Kim Jong-un fan pages.

   Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin....no matter how epic it is.

   Only recently found out that those fold out tables in the men's restrooms are for changing babies and not for napping.

   Kim Kardashian blames herself for Paris robbery. No word yet on if she takes responsibility for the downfall of Western society.

   Cured meats taste better than meats that are still sick.

   For Halloween I'm going to be emotionally stable, no one's gonna know its me.

   I know what I am going to be for Halloween, I'm going to be drunk. . .

   If anyone over tells you your dreams are silly, remember there's a millionaire walking around who invented the pool noodle.

   I want to reincarnated as a seagull that flies around theme parks, stealing churros that are absentmindedly being held by toddlers.

   Recently learned that it's impossible to make eye contact with a hotel maid while giving her used hand towels.

   I woke up early this morning with the strange desire to get up and exercise. Fortunately I rolled over and closed my eyes really tight and the feeling went away.

   I wonder if Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

   When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.

   Never forget your family... they're the real enemies.

   Show dominance on an airplane by calling the flight attendants bartenders.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras

   Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.

   This girl at the bar is winking at me. Now she's using the other eye. Never mind, she's passing out.

   insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some

   Dance like no one's watching! Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.