Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Curiously enough, pulling out of Trumpcare is also the GOP's new birth control strategy.

   When you are on a first date and she says to you: "I want you to treat me like a movie star," it is vitally important to establish which type of movie

   When a woman asks "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" There is no safe answer but "Yes, but it isn't the jeans' fault." is definitely the wrong one.

   When anyone asks me to describe myself I just say "tired."

   If you see an animal stuck in a trap, free them! If you see a child crying, comfort them! If you see Justin Bieber crossing the street, HIT THE GAS!!!

   Today is "Deflategate's" own Tom Brady's 40th birthday. Now that he's hit 40, footballs are not the only thing he'll have to worry about inflating.

   There's no way EVERYBODY was kung fu fighting. You know there was at least one guy hiding in a corner thinking "Man, I don't want none of this."

   A vulture with two dead raccoons tried to board a plane. The flight attendant said "Sorry Sir, only one carrion allowed."

   They say that Kim Jong Un is starving his people because he's using all the money to create nuclear weapons. It's more like he's starving the people because he's eating all of the food.

   Ever noticed that some english speaking tv stations has SAP in spanish for the latino viewers. But spanish speaking tv stations does not have SAP in english for the english speaking viewers.

   I hate it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. For the fifth time, I do not want to go to your cat's birthday party! Besides, my dog is receiving his First Communion that day....

   I didn't mean to gain weight...It was a snacident!

   Think I'm going to ride a cow to work tomorrow .. trigger sum folks

   I am addicted to buying old Beatles' albums. Does anyone know where I can get Help?

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   Ugh!! My wife sent me to Walmart to get feminine products and I’ve been walking around for 45 mins...I’m starting to think Wal-Mart doesn’t sell mops....

   Parents with Antifa shirts should not worry about if their child gets laughed at about climate change

   Of all the terrible ways to be woken up I think, “mommy, my fart is on the floor,” takes the cake.

   I like having fraud protection on my credit cards but it’s a little insulting to receive an alert just because I bought name-brand toilet paper.

   Either I just stepped in dog sh*t or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.