Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Like a good neighbor.... Drive by & wave. Do NOT stop to talk.

   Anything that involves official documents is a small portion of hell.

   Tonight I think I'll start with beer then switch to vodka to maintain a well balanced depression.

   Memory.....Second shortest thing I have.

   My eHarmony account just keeps matching me with different types of cookies.

   With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.

   My mom just asked me to get her lotion from her bathroom drawer. I don't know what I saw. I don't care what I saw. This is my suicide note.

   Someone in my state is wearing Axe Body Spray... ugh, I can smell it from here

   I doubt vodka’s the answer but it’s definitely worth a shot.

   In 200 years superstitious villagers will be sprinkling gluten over their doorways to keep soccer mums and hipsters at bay

   Me: I wish my life were more exciting Alcohol: Have another drink and call your ex

   With all the craziness going on in the world, I can just say; stay strapped, my friends.

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

   "You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet." - If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.

   MB. If you're keeping score in your relationship, I promise you, you're losing...

   Ecigs are like silent farts.. we still know you are doing it.

   I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

   Eli to Peyton " I won the two I played in.........just sayin"

   Side chicks are always more excited about Valentine's Day than everyone else because for them, its as close as they will ever get to a wedding.