Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....

   I went in for my weekly visit to my Psychologist. I told him that I sometimes feel like I'm a Cat. He wanted to know how long have I felt that way... I replied, "since I was a Kitten."

   A perfect Monday night: 7 pm -- Ahh yes Chinese food!!! 7:15 pm -- I'm so full. 7:30 pm -- Ahh yes leftover Chinese food!!!

   I hate my job but it pays for my alcohol and I need alcohol because I hate my job.

   You know you are pissed off when Eminem starts to make sense.

   When you said we should go for drinks, I didn’t know you meant together.

   Now that I failed with this year's New Year's resolutions I can get on with the rest of it guilt free.

   Bear Grylls should take the spoiled rich kids from MTV's My Super Sweet 16 to live in the wild and name the show "Grylls Scouts"

   My business card is just a piece of toast.

   Remember when Vanilla Ice said "anything less than the best is a felony?" Its because nothing rhymes with "breaking and entering misdemeanor"

   - What should we name this creature with big feet? "Bigfoot". - And what about this tiger with saber teeth? "Saber tooth tiger". - How about this beaver duck? "Platypus"

   Happy day after St. Patrick's day...also known as untagging yourself from photos day.

   Life begins at the end of your comfort zone

   Just walked into Walmart with a haircut I didn't do myself and they just made me their king.

   Laughing is the best medicine but if you are laughing for no reason, you need medicine.

   If you decide to walk a mile in my shoes, it will likely just be a mile of circles looking for the remote.

   Just gave myself an enema filled with warm water and glitter, and I ended up craping out a Ke$ha cd.

   The US government to China: "We'll pay you back, we promise. Just as soon as we're done dividing by zero."

   I'm beginning to think its better to be wrong and stupid than right and miserable.

   There are way too many people in this relationship.