Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "No more Mr. Nice Guy" ~ Mr. Nice Guy's eulogy

   I learned how to kiss passionately by practicing on my hand, but now it just uses me for sex.

   If you can't celebrate Valentine's Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...

   To celebrate St Patrick's Day, I think I'll go to my favorite Irish restaurant. McDonalds.

   Coffee spelled backwards is eeffoc, This is why I don't give eeffoc until I've had my coffee!

   They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

   > Unsubscribe from LinkedIn > Delete email account > Sell house, live in woods > Find bottle in river > Has note inside > It's from LinkedIn

   "Oh, Darwin! Oh, Scientific Method!" -things atheists say during sex.

   Pro athletes are just modern day court jesters who are only here to entertain us.

   Splenda if it's a girl, Stevia if it's a boy.

   Nothing says "I'm way more confident than I should be" quite like men over 35 wearing Hollister tees and seashell necklaces.

   If MTV landed on the moon again, would people even care?

   I stared at the moon for an hour before I realized it was one of my toenail clipping that had stuck to the window.

   .... Hey Kiddy's ... Did you know that 47 Years ago the first men landed on the moon using less Tech than it takes you to catch a single Pokemon!!!

   DAMMIT ... Please stop texting me when I'm texting you ..... Now I have to change my text!!

   I hope Hillary can unite our country and bring dignity back to....oh, never mind.

   Remember, you can see something or you saw something. You can't seen something...

   Ladies, ladies, ladies. Seriously, some of your status updates makes me wonder. Maybe you just need to get laid. . .

   Fast Food was never intended to sustain a person indefinitely ..... Neither were Fast Food Jobs ....

   I can count on half a hand the number of industrial accidents I've had