Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.

   No Grandma, “sausage fest” is not a new special breakfast at IHOP

   Legally changing my name to Pumpkin Spice Latte so my wife will love me more.

   Penicillin led to the decline of western syphilization.

   “I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, as I open the bag

   According to research, sex during pregnancy is always safe — unless your wife comes home and catches you.

   True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse

   Bruce Jenner must be so confused today

   Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Bachelor is a guy who will never find out how many faults he has.

   I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex. Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

   Shout-out to Mother Nature for not giving snakes wings...

   No, Sorry.. I don't watch dancing with the.. who gives a f#ck. .

   I miss Paris Hilton..... we had it good in 2002. Too bad you kids are stuck with the Kardashians today.

   She texted me, "Are you near your phone" I texted her back, "No" She replied, "well text me when you are!"

   I had lunch with a chess player yesterday. It took him 20 minutes to pass the salt.

   I have a very short attention span. Sometimes I bacon is delicious

   My new phone just autocorrected kindergarten to Kardashian. That my dear people, is exactly what is wrong with this world.

   Just wondering if you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?