Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the biggest lies ever told; The Doctor will be with you in a couple of Minutes.

   You know how America votes off contestants on Dancing With The Stars....That would be such a great idea on Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

   LMS if you remember walking into a restaurant and being asked smoking or non-smoking?

   Some kid told my son knee pads are for pussies. I told him no, that's 'maxi' pads. And his mother should see a doctor.

   I got Mood Poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

   What is it about Walmart that attracts so many damn wierdos - oh wait i'm here too

   Turkey is one hell of a drug.

   the only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn't even been born yet...

   How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?

   Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.

   I think that Justin Timberlake should have won an award at last night's VMAs for the only person to make it out of Disney without a drug problem....

   Nothing moves faster than a girl untagging herself from an ugly picture.

   John McCain's next campaign should be sponsored by Full Tilt Poker.

   Why do hot girls perish by ugly girls?

   The only thing I remember about being born was getting circumsised. It hurt so bad I couldn't walk for a year.

   It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

   Has anyone found my black box yet? I'm kinda curious to see where it all went wrong?

   can we PLEASE stop using the term “beast mode”? Unless you’re running around jungle, naked, stalking and killing animals with your bare hands and eating them raw, you’re NOT a beast, you’re just another douchebag lifting weights in the gym…tha

   It's like my bank account doesn't understand me.

   Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.