Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Shouldn't we get paid to use the self-service checkouts in supermarkets? It's like we work there for a little while.

   Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don't mix it up this year!

   Hey Verification Code, I have no idea what the heck that says but I swear I'm human.

   men always notice it's cold when their nipples become larger than their balls

   Some people can rely on their personality for birth control.

   Never plan a future with someone that has no future plans for themselves.

   I don't care what the damn expiration date says, I'm smelling the milk before I drink it.

   It's all fun and games untill someone spills bong water on the last slice of pizza!

   I hate it when certain people exist.

   The cast of 16 & pregnant are the future cast of 32 & grandparents

   Cuddling season is over. It's hott as f**k now. Get away.

   do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

   Vampires aren't on FB because they can't take pictures of themselves in front of a mirror.

   Trying understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.

   conficious says it takes many nails to build a crib but only 1 SCREW to fill it

   Apparently,,, hospital bed pans are only for the patients??

   Checking Your Phone To See What Time It Is... And Then Checking It Again Because The First Time You Wernt Paying Attention! Awkward.

   You Are Not A MAN if you can make A BABY, Your Are a Man Who Can Raise One Especially One which is not yours ~ Mr. Krab

   I can't get in and out of a folding lawn chair without looking like a special needs Greco-Roman wrestler.

   I swear Blackberry must be a FEMALE. Only a woman can ignore you for three days flat and then pretend nothing was wrong!