Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Search Messages:
I just saved a whole bunch of money on my car insurance by hacking into State Farm's main server and deleting the 4 DUIs. 
Rather than vote, let's all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her. But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Some people are so poor, the only thing they have is money.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
I just booked a $10 flight... Got an email saying I’m the pilot tho.
CORONA VIRUS TIP: If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt] Recipe: First, finely chop— Me: I’m out.
Mandatory face mask when I was a teen... I might have got laid.
if the horse track doesn't open soon, I'm going to lose the only math I remember
Person at the grocery store: “How many months along are you?” Me, not pregnant: “Five. Can I have your Charmin?”
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
A mom getting a minivan is like losing one's virginity. It hurts at first, but think of all the stuff they can fit in afterwards.
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
A spelling bee sounds like a horrifying creature that bellows out words and then stings you when you get one wrong.
If I wanted human interaction i'd take my headphones off during this date.
Why is it the people who say they thrive on chaos seem to be the ones causing it?
It took years for my wife to get me to put down the toilet seat. In retrospect, I really don't know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
And then there was the cannibal who passed his neighbor in the woods. 