Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Someone just said hi to me at the gas pump what the heck is their problem....

   The biggest lie I tell myself is 'No need to write that down. I'll remember it.'

   I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing....

   it still called a mimosa if it's with vodka and there's no champagne and it's in a flask and you're in a dumpster?

   Corn mazes would be a lot more fun if they would start earlier in the growing season and make it an "All you can eat" corn-on-the-cob-fest

   Women keep saying they aren't looking for casual sex. That's no problem. I'll wear a coat and tie. Or even a tux if they want.

   I've never done a triathlon but I did accompany my wife to Michael's, Hobby Lobby, & Joann's to find the perfect autumn table setting.

   Have we considered that millennials might be so lazy because their generation doesn't have a hit song about taking care of business?

   The hole in a guitar is traditionally used to store soft cheeses and dried meats which are fed to the drummer when he does a good job

   *gives ex wife's next door neighbour a drum kit for Christmas*

   It's almost 2020 and we still haven't made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.

   It costs today's parents $235,000 to raise a child. And that's just for the alcohol.

   "Shia LaBeouf" sounds like something a French guy would say after a really raunchy fart.

   What is this mythical "leftover" Bacon of which you speak ?

   interviewer: what was your last job me: health angel interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

   Last night I saw a gigantic spider in our bedroom so I did what any man would do... I got into an argument with my wife so I could sleep on the couch.

   I hope I'm still alive in 48 years so I can ask on 2/4/68 who do we appreciate?

   Dear Kelloggs, Cereal that makes them go back to sleep. Sincerely, Tired parents

   My bucket list. 1. Buy bucket.

   Son: "Dad, how did you meet Mom?" Dad: "Well it started of by poking her on Facebook"