Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you keep referring to your girlfriend as your lady friend I'm going to automatically assume you met on Craigslist.

   I’ve washed my hands three times and showered twice and I still have the smell on my fingers. Fresh rosemary is the herpes of herbs.

   I just paid for a 12 month gym membership. My bank called to see if my credit card was stolen.

   My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.

   Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

   After several years of sessions, my psychiatrist has determined that the true source of my crippling insecurities and desperate need for attention is the fact that the host of Romper Room never once said my name when she peered through the Magic Mirror.

   Lonely? Stand at the bottom of an escalator and high five the people coming off. If they refuse, yell, "Are you too lazy for that too?'

   How about a carpet with permanent vacuum lines so it always looks clean?

   The FDA has announced that eating raw cookie dough is really bad for your health. So is telling my girlfriend not to eat raw cookie dough.

   Most serious injuries happen on July 4th, so set off your explosives on the day before or the day after.

   Just so we dont have black kids running around the neighborhood looking suspicous -It's "Pokemon Yo". Keeps all your searches confined to your welfare housing project.

   She blinded me with science... well, Sulfuric Acid to be more precise.

   The more I interact with humans, the more I hate humans.

   Always buy flowers when on a date with a vegan. So they have something to eat when I take them to Outback Steakhouse for dinner.

   This presidential election is class warfare -- that is, a war between those who paid attention in class and those who did not.

   Finally got the rest of that Butterfinger out of my teeth that I ate in 2014.

   In 2015 Colorado collected $125 million in marijuana taxes. Unfortunately, they can't remember where they put it.

   Do you think Magnum the ice cream bar company and Magnum the condom company ever feud about who's is bigger?

   Dr: "How would you say your diet is going?" Me: ... *sneezes and a Skittle come out* "Ummm, Pretty well."

   Does shaking the vending machine count as working out?