Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   All I really need are two things: a lighter, and five minutes of being unsupervised.

   it really considered a date if I have to keep tipping her?

   I don't have an eating disorder so much as I have a doing the dishes disorder.

   You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, but you make 100% of the shots you don't miss.

   Be careful when a guy says "he loves you from the bottom of his heart",this may mean that "there is still enough space for another girl at the top"

   If yesterday was "May the Fourth Be With You" is tomorrow "Revenge of the Sixth"?

   If God loves us why do we have ear hair

   Good news is when your daughter pays back the $3000 she owes you. Bad news is when she gives it to you in singles that smell like whiskey & cigarettes.

   How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?

   My thesaurus can beat up your vocabulary's ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.

   "Fidget Spinners are so dumb pointless." -The generation that purchased over 5 million Pet Rocks.

   Rump roast is called rump roast because nobody would eat it if it was called cow's ass

   I was just cursing the bag boy at the grocery store for leaving out my Reece's cups and then I remembered I used self-checkout.

   Apologizing does not always mean you are wrong. It just means that you value your relationships more than your ego.

   Accidentally bought a bag of raw almonds. Turns out I don't like almonds, I like salt...

   It looks like everyone wants Jon Snow to play NFL...he wont bend a knee

   Hugh Heffner...the only person who we can truly say is not in a better place now...

   Bruce Willis to return for Die Hard 6. Working titles are "Die Hard: Speak Up Please" and "Die Hard: When I was your age"

   I'am a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that's the truth.

   I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.