Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

   nice guys finish last, and bring you breakfast in bed.

   Love is one long sweet dream… and marriage is the alarm clock.

   To all the women I've dated. If we have a secret love child together that you never told me about, just have them get me a giftcard for Father's Day. Thanks!

   Everyone in life has a purpose, even if it's to serve as a bad example

   You know your hungry when you start eating some old cough drops

   Holding ALT and pressing F4 will fix all of your facebook problems...Your Welcome :)

   Her profile said she was a stone cold freak. Turns out she was just a wrestling fan with bad capitalization skills

   We started out like Romeo and Juliet, but it ended up like Batman & The Joker.

   Universal truth: You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

   doesn't get drunk - I get awesome!

   who had the bright idea of putting an "s" in the word lisp?

   loving how the voice in her head GETS LOUDER WHEN SHE USES CAPS LOCK!

   Today is National, "I Really Don't Give a $hit" Day". 92% of FB Users won't post this to their profile status, will you or don't you give a $hit either?

   Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in....

   When a Blind dude & his dog go for a joyride, who dirves?

   feeling sofa king great today!!!!!

   hasn't had sex since the last time you were out of town.

   the one question that baffled researchers for ages..where are my keys?

   It's so cold outside right now that angry drivers are flipping each other the mitten!