Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Ah yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.

   How do you get off a non-stop flight?

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   Nothing is impossible as long as you don't have to do it yourself

   Some might debate whether waterboarding is torture, but we can all agree leaving burnt popcorn beeping in the office microwave IS torture.

   Why do the best-looking cars have the dumbest drivers?

   HA .... The US Attorney General Lynch aka "America's Chief Law Enforcement Officer" ..... Is Pleading the Fifth to avoid disclosing information that may incriminate her ..... Just think about that one for a moment!!!

   Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved.

   I went to the bar last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so" I said "Absolutely! Most tables would have collapsed by now!"

   Genders are like the twin towers, there used to be two of them and now it's a really sensitive subject.

   And when I die, this will all be yours. *points to plastic bags filled with other plastic bags

   I want to open a donut shop and call it Hole Foods.

   Mama Cass Elliot would have turned 76 today. In fact, if she had shared that sandwich with Karen Carpenter they both might still be alive.

   The buttons on my clothes are starting to social distance themselves from each other...

   Let's scream at people in a restaurant or a movie theatre. That will prove our point. .

   I'm going to be an endangered species this year for Halloween.... An english speaking troubleshooting operator .

   The coin shortage didn't work. Go ahead and mail the mystery seeds.

   I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   I work hard. I play hard. I do the groceries hard. I cook hard. I read hard. I laugh hard. I watch tv hard. – Viagra addict