Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Freedom of speech is wonderful - right up there with the freedom not to listen.

   I asked the teller at my bank to supersize my order. Apparently, banks aren't full of would-be comedians.

   It's hard to find a birthday present that says "I think your a douche but I still want a piece of your cake please."

   If I can smell my water, I don't want it.

   Boys have to put forth real effort to get laid, while all girls have to do is stand bra-less in the wind."

   has a awaiting list to accept friend requests, but $50 may get you to the front of the line

   Yes, I've made mistakes, but life didn't come with instructions on.

   My favourite thing about flamenco guitarists is how they can stand on one leg for the entire performance.

   I've been a sucker for titties since the day I was born...

   Yeah... I may be old... But I'm still hot..... They just come in flashes now!

   If you pour rubbing alcohol on yourself and set yourself on fire while your friends film it and post it in YouTube your an idiot. Your doing it wrong. Use gas

   Since when did everything I was taught growing up that was wrong to do suddenly became Ok. . .

   Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody's throat.

   nobody raised hell when I was a victim of domestic violenece....Tiger Woods

   It was only after the other brothers of The Jackson 5 refused to let him join that little Samuel L. Jackson first became angry.

   My guess is that roughly half of the U.S. economy is based on making commercials for auto insurance companies.

   If you're routinely referring to yourself as a grown man, chances are you're not.

   I'll be glad when it's warm enough to pee outside!

   The Weed Bowl is On!

   So you mean to tell me that speed dating doesn't involve methamphetamines?