Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Meanwhile, on the east coast, thousands of children are changing their costume from pirate to snowboarder.

   On Facebook, people respect you for sharing your deepest secrets and flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.

   my kids enjoy the free cardboard box and balloons the most

   NBC is paying Conan O'Brien 30 million dollars to do absolutely nothing. As a result, Conan has been named an honorary New York Knick.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

   Guys Don't Worry about Today, Your Women Can Be Satisfied with Only 8.5 cm ... and It Doesn't Matter If It is VISA or MASTERCARD !!!

   in a relationship with beer which gets complicated after 2am when I start downing single shots

   When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

   I'll have what the guy on the floor is having.

   time for all the bloodsuckers to come out again...not Halloween...election time

   Why do people thinks that pressin the elevator button manny times It will come down faster!

   Nothing's funnier than a baffled senior citizen reading a slang word out loud.

   Millions of theorems derived, thousands of formulas created but the fact remains the same. "X" is still unknown! Dammit!

   Hey, incessant seatbelt indicator beeping, I'll outlast you; just like your friend the gas light. You're not the boss of me!!

   there are two rules to getting rich. 1) Don't tell all you know

   Yes, I saw you dance. No, I don't have a dollar

   Too tired this morning to execute my plan for world domination

   Went camping this weekend adn learned taht the longest journey begins with not looking at a map.

   You'd think a $30,000 car would have a decent cup holder.

   the ancient myans predicted the end of the world in 2012...But mankind can barely predict a 5 day weather forecast....This is some bull sh*t!