Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's the quickest way to lose 190 pound of ugly fat ? Divorce her!

   lol at this persons profile http://facebook.com/profile.php?=73322363

   If really good-looking people are "eye candy" I guess that puts me somewhere around the "eye broccoli" category.

   Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

   If you drink, dont drive. If you drive, dont speed. If you speed, dont get caught. If dont you get caught, dont end up in jail. If you end up in jail..... Dont drop the soap.

   Sometimes you have to smile... Pretend everything's okay. Hold back the tears, And just walk away.

   pondering the the thought... They say Character is what you do when youre alone! I thought that was called masterba......nevermind!!!

   "The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby."

   whats everybody worried about with Gilbert Arenas...its not like he can shoot anymore!

   Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then-we elected them.

   looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun, you don't stare at it, it's too risky!!

   Cool people are just idiots wearing pricy clothes

   I really hope I live to see my funeral

   I heard Jesse James honored Earth Day yesterday by picking up trash...

   I Didn't Marry You Because I Wanted To Live With You.., I Married You Because I Couldn't Live Without You...

   If dumping 50,000 barrels of mud on the oil leak fails, BP plans to simply cover the Gulf of Mexico with a large area rug.

   got a new toilet brush, I tried it, but I think I'm going to stick with the paper.

   I love all of the sexual harassment jokes that everyone says at sexual harassment training.

   always look on the bright side. For example, don't think of yourself as an ugly person, think of yourself as a beautiful monkey.

   After ten years in therapy, my psychologist told me something very touching, he said, “no hablo ingles.