Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just heard a really fat woman say she was starving and she couldn't wait for lunch. Um, no you're not and yes you can.

   "I'm fat!" "Me too!" "Thigh five"

   She told me to make my own sandwich. I told her to make her own money.

   Did you know that 98% of Ford trucks sold within the past decade are still on the road today? The other 2% actually made it home…

   National Atheist's Day April 1st

   Pro Tip: If your EBT Card is declined because of the government shutdown GET A PHUGGING JOB!

   Sometimes, my secretary reminds me of my wife. I was unbuttoning her shirt the other day during our lunch break when she said, "Remember, you have a wife."

   We should bury everyone upside down so if they come back as Zombies they'll dig the wrong way...It's called thinking ahead people!

   Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.

   What if you get to heaven and God is like "Nah bra you can't get in. Remember when you saw my picture on Facebook and you kept scrolling?"

   No you are not an independant woman... You are just an adult. Having a car, paying yo bills, paying rent is part of adult life

   "Love" is purely a chemical imbalance of serotonin, dopamine, & norepinephrine. It is nothing magical or "special"; just simply an irregularity in the brain; a "two-faced high"

   gives her friends permission to change her status to "is chilling with Jesus" after she dies

   I don't get drunk .. I get AWESOME!!

   Never ever change your ringtone to an eerie or scary one around halloween because some idiot might call you in the middle of the night while you're in a deep sleep. On a related note, sh*t stains are difficult to get out of sheets.

   I don't understand why women wear watches when there's a perfectly good clock on the stove.

   A study has shown that 40% of men over 40 suffer erectile dysfunction. Looking at 40% of women over 40, I'm not surprised.

   I've just found my first grey pube............Don't think I'll order pizza from there again.

   Girls who are obsessed with celebrities need to get a life

   The best curve on a girl is her smile. Lol just kidding, look at dat ass.