Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker's Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.

   Here is a way to get rid of your unwanted junk. Pack it in an Amazon box, and place it on the porch.

   Shout out to all my friends having an identity crisis, You know who you are, I think?

   If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin

   Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is "reserved cowgirl."

   I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

   I don't accept friend requests from people with no photos, a photo of someone playing a guitar, or photos that have more filters than Brita.

   Dilemma: Watching your mother inlaw driving towards a cliff in your brand new car.

   I'm so old I remember when the only person with germophobia was Howard Hughes.

   Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.

   The world all of a sudden feels like a casual stroll through a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit at the end of a busy weekend.

   I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.

   Here, hold my drink. Ruining this is going to take both hands.

   Once this corona tension is over....will take 7 days break and rest at home.

   Parents, here's a way to keep your kids busy for awhile on Easter, let them have an Easter egg hunt, just don't hide any eggs.

   Wonder if I have enough things in my kitchen junk draw to build a rocket ship to get me off this rock?

   eharmony just matched me with a dozen donuts

   Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked.

   I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.

   Look low in the northwest sky around 9:45 p.m for the next few days for the NEOWISE asteroid you won't want to miss as it will be a once-in-a-lifetime event!! just like the last several asteroids that flew by.