Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One way to find out if you're old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you're young, if they panic, you're old.

   Divorce: A legal document for married people to hate each other.

   I just want to suffocate, sorry I mean love you.

   If you don't like my Facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends' pages where the biggest news of the day on his/her page is what she had for lunch

   If it behooves me, I don't want it.

   A 15 minute workout usually takes me 3 days.

   Ever since I was a kid I’ve had a fear of being scared.

   A tattoo doesn’t tell you very much about a person, but where they put the tattoo does.

   Middle-aged is when your list of ailments outnumbers your age.

   Boss at meeting said it would nice if you employees would start showing me a little respect. One employee replied oh we show you as little respect as possible.

   When someone says "good luck with that" are they being nice or sarcastic?

   Of course I have countless friends. They’re called songs on my playlist. .

   I feel terrible, or, as I like to call it, "being alive."

   I can find your bathroom on my own but I'll ask you for directions anyway so you think I think you live in a mansion. I'm a giver.

   Not today, found a new serial killer documentary.

   I get it fireworks, people set me off too.

   " You know your life sucks when you have to have three jobs just to keep up to being poor."

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   Babysitters are just teenagers who behave like adults so that adults can go out and behave like teenagers.