Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One of the best feelings ever: Waking up and seeing you still have a couple more hours to sleep.

   [at an orgy] I'm starting to think that I'm the only one taking this book club seriously

   My wife thinks I'm too nosey.....at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   "I have been advised by the best medical authority, at my age, not to attempt to give up alcohol."

   I've been building my son's trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today I'm going to hit him with a "too slow". Welcome to the real world, son.

   Facebook: Here's some other people you might know Me: Oh yes! I do know them! Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? :) Me: oh God no

   Me: I've been thinking about getting a buzz cut Barber: I don't think you could pull it off Me: Well no, you'd have to cut it off

   E-thugs. Because talking shiit in person is dangerous.

   Dating is like garage sales where everything looks great from a distance but up close you realize it's just a bunch of crap you don't need.

   A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

   "I don't know what else to say..." Me, giving my husband false hope

   Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it's about a boy plagued by haunted dolls Date: Sounds good! Me: The cowboy one is called Woody

   *lights cigarette Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.

   I don’t believe all of this stuff about GMOs being bad for you. I just had a leg of salmon and it was delicious!

   Don't hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it's organized according to expiration date.

   please stop calling that oatmeal raisin thing a cookie. it's a round granola bar.

   I'm smart but not "know when to stop eating" smart.

   *pulls out earbud* What? "We need to talk." *pulls out earbud* "You've been spending too much time at Chernobyl." *pulls out earbud* No way

   That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp and kill a cat.

   I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.