Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just saw a sign in the bathroom that said "Wash Hands Before Returning to Work"....luckily I don't go back to work until next week!

   You used to be able to tell a finicky child his meal was made with love. Now they double check if it's gluten-free love.

   Life has given me many scars. And by 'life' I mean my (several) attempts at rollerblading.

   Anyone have a copy of "Men are from Bars, Women are from Venus" my girlfriend suggested I read it....Don't really need to read it, that's where we met.

   When someone asks you to guess their age it's best to go low. That's why I always say 3, just in case.

   Everybody at this sports bar looks like a deleted selfie.

   Apparently something has seriously gone wrong with my financial goals ... Evidently I am now on some kind of get rich slow scheme.

   Hipster haunted house but it's just a Trader Joe's filled with Walmart brand products.

   No thanks, sweatshirts without hoods. I have enough problems already.

   93% of the internet is people noticing things in the background of photos.

   Wife: Can you pick up milk?... Me: [lifts gallon] Yea sure, it's easy... Wife: I mean from the store.... Me: Umm ok, but I would imagine it weighs the same there too

   Just met a kid named Denim today so yes, I would definitely like another drink.

   The last thing someone who can't decide what to make for dinner needs is 101 different crock pot choices.

   How come documentary makers can find drug makers and hitmen to interview but the police can’t find them?

   I wish I could unlearn English for one day so I could hear how it sounds without meaning.

   Steps to survive on a dessert island: 1. check spelling 2. if correct, enjoy

   Yes ... I suppose I am one of the few people that actually love Fruit Cakes!!! ....Heck .... I only need a few more ..... this year I hope to get enough to complete building my Brick wall!!

   Decided to put up a Christmas tree this year....wrestled with it a bit..finally got in in place... it smells like Christmas now.. and it looks real cool, hanging from my car's rear view mirror.

   What do I like most about people? Their dogs....

   Subpoena...Such a silly word. Sounds like a term used to describe a man who is below average downstairs.