Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just lost 15 pounds which subsequently is how much my hopes and dreams weighed.

   The joys of a relationship include waiting for them to fall asleep so you can have some me time.

   I love the summer because I love how my ass and thighs form an irreparable bond with the car's scorching hot leather seat

   If you want to save money on a personal trainer, meet a girl who will break your heart.

   I'm living off PB&J's so I think I accomplished the whole "be forever young" thing.

   In the GPS, I typed "comedy career" as my destination and it took me to the nearest CoinStar.

   FYI the security at Target gets a little huffy if you bring your own custom-made cart.

   True fear is getting in your car at night and seeing a spider and hitting the windshield wipers and realizing the spider is in the car.

   One time I told a rival dad that the air pressure looked low in one of his tires right in front of a group of people.

   I may not be able to swim fast but I did just arrange these onion rings to look like olympic rings.

   Wake up America. If a place tries to put potatoes in your burrito, you are getting robbed on meat.

   1001 crockpot recipes that all taste like beige mush.

   Sorry I've been avoiding you like a mall kiosk offering lotion samples.

   Just ironed a crease in these basketball shorts so I can wear them for Casual Friday.

   Family vacations are 80% just yanking your kids around and saying, "Let's get your picture by this thing."

   One time I listened to my kid tell an entire story without looking at my phone.

   Han Solo is apparently quite distraught that his granddaughter Hope didn't stop that last shot.

   Science Fun Fact: Everyone at the Scopes monkey trial had very minty breath.

   You can't say you've really lived if you've never ran through the pottery aisle in a Hobby Lobby jamming to the Less Than Zero soundtrack.

   Love waking up to the sound of birds arguing with their spouses.