Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're in my thoughts and prayers I reserve for winning the lottery.

   I save all my yawns in church until everyone is singing so it looks like I'm doing my part.

   Please remember if their online dating profile photo is iffy that's the best one out of all the photos ever taken of them.

   My puppy is afraid of shirts, ice cream trucks, blankets that vaguely take human shape, and boxes, but has no problem with fireworks.

   The "Map My Run" Facebook posts are a great way to track how far you went to brag about exercise or show your exercise running from the police.

   I’ve been reading a book called ‘1,000 sexual positions’. I’ve reached position 176 and apparently from now on I’m going to need a woman.

   Humans are strange. We have all the answers to our own problems. If only someone else would do it.

   Its true what they say about never meeting your heroes. Just ask anyone who's ever met me.

   It's cute how you tell people you're broke they think you mean financially and not emotionally.

   Overheard at the 7Eleven slurpee machines, all employees must immediately get a tetanus shot after using the bathroom.

   ..... Wonder what would happen if a Pokemon Go character accidentally appeared in the middle of a busy freeway?

   Should eat more fruit flavored things like blue raspberry slush. I've never even see a blue raspberry because they are very rare.

   If you have to go to a body of water to catch a water Pokemon, you should have to run into a burning building to catch a fire Pokemon.

   Did you know, the inventor of the headphones worked next to a guy who happily whistled all of the time.

   Pro Tip: Avoid conversations by sitting at the bottom of the pool.

   You're part of the problem if you post a click bait article on Facebook and don't give the ending forcing me to have to click it.

   Well aren't you just a fun little pretty lollipop triple dipped in psycho....

   The closest I get to reading a book is the synopsis of a movie I'm about to watch.

   I learned all I need to know about race relations from watching C.Thomas Howell's heart felt film Soul Man six times.

   A date so bad instead of just saying goodnight you both write Victim Impact Statements.